Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie

Eight years ago Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccilo published an obscenity-riddled divining rod to help women sniff out the losers in their lives. He’s Just Not That Into You is an easy read penned by a writer and a consultant for HBO’s Sex and the City. I can’t stand the show, by the way. It was an garishly self-centered jaunt through the lives of materialistic, hedonistic urbanities that legitimized whoring around.

The book, however, was groundbreaking in the sense that it provided straight talk by a straight male about relationships. Most of the relationships discussed are sexual in nature, so this book is not for those who refuse to acknowledge that such issues exist in the church as well as the outside world. Unfortunately Christian books and the church often just tell people how to live and don’t provide support when singles live outside the lines. They do little to bring them back into the fold or recognize the issues that motivate singles to compromise their values.

If you accept that the book is written for a secular audience and can get past the sad fact that sex is treated so cheaply in the modern world, you can still find serious nuggets of truth. I’ve rarely if ever heard such straight talk from the pulpit and am curious why the church doesn’t do more to call out the vampires discussed here. It seems that some churches are more interested in warm, fuzzy things than calling out evils that harm its members. Many allow abusers, users, and stalkers to keep preying on others in spite of the risks to their victims. They place the chance that these dangerous souls might be saved above their victims’ lives.

If you are new to this blog, I speak of vampires often. Vampires are needy people with holes in their souls who attach to others in order to use them as a fuel source. Christian women are frequent targets as vampires are attracted to light, energy, and the fruit of the Spirit. Vampires crave what they don’t have. These dark souls instinctively discover a good woman’s values and prey upon her Christianity to latch on, claiming to be a “believer” like her. Satan himself appears as an angel of light; so do these Decepticons, who talk the talk but lack the walk.

Greg Behrendt’s honesty is refreshing and teaches women to spot the guys that talk but don’t walk. He calls out all manner of excuses in the male population. One of the first pages in the book is titled “You Are All Dating The Same Guy” and it will jolt a lot of female readers into realizing that they’re with that guy:

Hey. I know that guy you’re dating. Yeah, I do. He’s that guy that’s so tired from work, so stressed about the project he’s working on. He’s just  been through an awful breakup and it’s really hitting him hard. His parents’ divorce has scarred him and he has trust issues. Right now he has to focus on his career. He can’t get involved with anyone until he knows what his life is about. He just got a new apartment and the move is a _____. As soon as it all calms down he’ll leave his wife, girlfriend, crappy job. ____, he’s so complicated.

He’s a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life.

Shazam! Anyone dating that guy today? He’s the guy who’s still emotionally entangled with his ex-wife and talks more about how screwed up she is than how cool you are. He’s the guy who’s rarely present but makes you feel like a million bucks for two hours when he does show up at his leisure. He’s the guy full of empty promises, who says he’ll change careers, leave his wife, break up with his girlfriend, relocate, go back to school, get his drinking under control… just as soon as (fill in the blank).

This guy keeps you hanging on in hopes he will magically morph into someone better. Once things resolve, he’ll be a great boyfriend/husband/partner/dad. You feel SORRY for him, because he’s had so many bad things happen in his life that surely one man can’t bear all of that, and especially not alone. You know you HAVE to be there for him, imperfect as he is, or his world will fall apart. Hold on here– noble as your intentions are, who made you God?

Isn’t recovery a combination of personal choice and commitment combined with the wonder-working power of the blood? Do you really think your love can fix this when he doesn’t love you back the same way and makes no real progress conquering his demons? This guy doesn’t want to be whole; he wants his freedom. By allowing chaos in his life he always has an excuse not to settle down or move forward. He can keep his options open and keep relationships going on all four burners. By being with a good woman he feels better about himself and the relationship atrocities he commits.

These guys are often emotionally unavailable. They compartmentalize their lives and can go have unprotected sex with Lucy Loosey or Lewd Larry one night and then take Pam Purity out the next to “absolve” their sins, talking about how they’ll wait for the right woman. They can create the illusion of intimacy and caring, but the second you suggest that they improve anything or commit to you, they are abusive, screaming thugs. They are happy as long as you do what they want, when they want you to do it. Their time is more valuable than yours and they will ALWAYS justify why several other women are leaving lascivious comments on their Facebook page, calling in the middle of the night, or seen at their residence while you’re out with their kids.

We live in a world that exults in self-gratification. Celebrities and the media blare lifestyles that indulge in multiple partners and bisexuality because– it’s about YOU! Life is about whatever tickles your fancy at any particular moment, and how archaic and prudish to think there might actually be eternal consequences to your actions. Just raise a glass above your head, shake your booty, yell, “whoo!”, kiss the nearest partygoer, and life is grand. Right? Buy into that lie, and you’re just about guaranteeing a long and disappointing ride on the relationship rollercoaster that will never end in true love.

True love isn’t the one-sided, draining exercise in excuses that Behrendt addresses. It doesn’t start by treating your target like a convenience store that should be open for you 24/7 in case you want a Slurpee. As the book points out, if a guy doesn’t call you, forgets your date, disappears, is married, has reasons he can’t commit, is too busy, is overwhelmed, is consumed with a prior relationship, yells at you, puts you down, won’t call you his girlfriend in public, has to leave quickly, just wants to be friends, is mysterious about his personal life, and on it goes– he’s just not that into you. He’s into himself, or someone else, or several someone elses.

Here’s an important point to remember when you realize you’re with “HJNTIY” guy– it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough. You might have knocked yourself out trying to show love and affection to “oh, I just don’t know what I want, I’m so confused” dude. You might have contributed your time, finances, beauty, humor, home, and so on to him, but if he won’t reciprocate, he’s not the guy who should be given those things.

He wants life his way, he wants flexibility, he wants someone else. Maybe he’s found someone as dysfunctional as he is and they can throw kitchen appliances at each other for the next ten years. What you, ladies, need to realize, is that you’re better than this. You need to be with someone who will also contribute their time, finances, beauty, humor, and home as appropriate, who values you as much as you value them. Where are these guys? In today’s world, that’s a good question. Because a lot of my friends feel like all the good ones have been taken and sane single guys don’t seem to frequent church. Well, God knows who you need, and this is His design, so keep praying.

The biggest take away from this book is that if a man wants to be with you, he will move heaven and earth to make it happen. This does not mean he stalks you, begs for mercy, guilts you, or coerces you. This means that his walk will match his talk. You won’t have to prove to him that you’re worth it; his actions will show you that you are. While there has to be a mutual give and take in marriage, in courtship the man should generally take the lead and show you that he’s serious about giving a relationship a try. He’ll see your beauty inside and outside, and he won’t nitpick at your imperfections. His life will be together enough that he’s ready for a grown-up role as a provider and protector.

While mulling this book over, a laundry list of behaviors went through my head that signal “he’s just not that into you.” Many of them have been mentioned, but the most important point I can make is that if he IS that into you, he WILL make a move and he will SHOW that he is sincere about wanting to be with you. He will use ACTIONS, not words. He will not keep parts of his life secret or keep you off balance. He will not hurt you or use you or keep you guessing or waiting. He is not serious about you if he has a wife or a girlfriend.

A real man is one who reflects the image of his heavenly Father and therefore demonstrates both truth and grace in his daily life. He’s not perfect, but if both of you are moving towards God, then you are moving closer to each other in the process. This was once explained to me as a triangle, with God at the top, the man on one side, and the woman on the other. With the presence of God in your life, you do not expect your partner to fill God-shaped holes in your heart. You have a stronger sense of who you are and your purpose in life. The closer you are to Him, the more prepared you will be for true love with another flawed human being. God is love, after all.

So don’t sell yourself short. Like this crusty but alarmingly insightful book says, don’t settle for good enough or be with someone to avoid being with no one. You’re better than that. If you believe that God is the author of love, the incarnation of love, then you know that those who believe in Him should be having the best relationships, the most intimate closeness, and in the right context, the best sex. He designed this mystery; those who strive to be more like Him will reap the deepest rewards from it.

And ladies, don’t forget who you are– you’re a daughter of the King. Given who your Father is, you deserve no less than the best. Do background checks no matter how nice he seems, get to know his people, don’t be afraid to tactfully ask questions. If you discover ugliness and lies, find a safe way to get out and do it. Don’t leave the door open behind you.

As Helen Keller said, when one door closes, another opens, but sometimes we look so long at the closed door we don’t see the one which has been opened for us. A man’s closed heart is a closed door. Take Greg Behrendt’s advice, cut loose, and find a real man. The best way to do this is to keep moving closer towards your Father, who knows exactly what you need and will open the right doors in His time.

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God doesn’t want you to have a mediocre job that you hate getting up and going to every day. He doesn’t want you to have an average marriage. He doesn’t want you to have just a little bit of peace in your life. No! God desires for you to feel fulfilled and overjoyed in your life. He wants you to experience His highest and best! –Charles Stanley

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©2012 H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com.