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While manning our advocacy group’s booth in November, one of our team members handed me this book and asked if I’d write a review. At the time I had a stack of books I was trying to get through. I finally finished this one and now believe there are millions of people who can benefit from it– not just victims of narcissists, but those who often enable narcissists by falling for their act.

The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse was written by Debbie Mirza. Mirza clearly knows what it’s like to be taken advantage of by these self-serving, mask-wearing abusers. The deeper into the book you read, the more empathy she expresses towards those whose lives have been altered by this type of abuse.

We are all familiar with the traditional definition of narcissism, which includes largely obvious attributes such as arrogance, entitlement, and an exaggerated sense of self-importance. Narcissists are more special than you– and they let you know it. They should be the most admired, the most desired, regarded as the most brilliant. Their time is more important, their needs and wants should take precedence, they should be the first ones in line, in the lifeboat, getting the promotion.

Narcissism stems from a distorted sense of self and a lack of empathy for others. Seeking to fill the void inside them, and achieve this status they believe they should have, they use other people as fuel for their egomaniacal furnace. They can be particularly attracted to high empathy, caring, considerate humans who have many of the traits they lack. Sandra L. Brown has written extensively about this dynamic including in her books Women Who Love Psychopaths and How to Spot a Dangerous Man.

The Mayo Clinic reminds us that:

Symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder and how severe they are can vary. People with the disorder can:

  • Have an unreasonably high sense of self-importance and require constant, excessive admiration.
  • Feel that they deserve privileges and special treatment.
  • Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements.
  • Make achievements and talents seem bigger than they are.
  • Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.
  • Believe they are superior to others and can only spend time with or be understood by equally special people.
  • Be critical of and look down on people they feel are not important.
  • Expect special favors and expect other people to do what they want without questioning them.
  • Take advantage of others to get what they want.
  • Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others.
  • Be envious of others and believe others envy them.
  • Behave in an arrogant way, brag a lot and come across as conceited.
  • Insist on having the best of everything — for instance, the best car or office.

At the same time, people with narcissistic personality disorder have trouble handling anything they view as criticism. They can:

  • Become impatient or angry when they don’t receive special recognition or treatment.
  • Have major problems interacting with others and easily feel slighted.
  • React with rage or contempt and try to belittle other people to make themselves appear superior.
  • Have difficulty managing their emotions and behavior.
  • Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change.
  • Withdraw from or avoid situations in which they might fail.
  • Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection.
  • Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, humiliation and fear of being exposed as a failure.

Mirza acknowledges these symptoms and then says, “but wait, there’s more.” Having worked with many people traumatized by narcissists, she recognized that there is a much less obvious type of narcissism. A covert passive aggressive narcissist is much more selective about who they show their true colors around. To the rest of the world, they may appear to be a warm, helpful, fun to hang out with, ideal partner, relative, or coworkers, the kind of person who is lauded for their generous, go-getter attitudes. To their selected targets, they are someone else entirely– abusive, insulting, demeaning, demanding, dishonest, immature, entitled, sadistic.

What makes this one of the best books on narcissism that I’ve read, besides being well-organized and understandable, is that Mirza tells us exactly how this victimization unfolds. If you have been through the hell of narcissism, you might have a “eureka!” moment as you recognize that this mirrors domestic violence regardless of the type of relationship involved. The parallels are real.

Mirza notes that whether this process begins in a romantic relationship, family relationship, friendship, or in the workplace, the covert passive aggressive narcissist starts by buttering you up. Initially they mirror you, so you can’t believe how alike you are. You let your defenses down as you find them so relatable, so outgoing, so easy to get along with. In reality, they are gathering information and probing for weaknesses. You also feel for them, because they tell you personal details that will elicit sympathy. You feel like you want to do extra to help them because of all they’ve been through.

But then the criticisms and jabs begin. This may be almost imperceptible at first. You may start to believe that you’re not helping them enough, or being a supportive enough player in their life. They begin to “teach you lessons” and show you how you’re allegedly inadequate. You will be given “the look” and be at the mercy of their moods. They may “reward” you with some buttering up still only to knock you back off of your feet as they create an increasing amount of drama.

Before long, the victim becomes the one holding up the relationship. As they struggle to keep the peace and reignite the positive aspects of the relationship that seemed to be there in the beginning, they are increasingly demeaned and devalued. Worse yet, the covert passive aggressive narcissist appeals to others’ sympathy, enlisting their help in targeting the victim. These accomplished liars are adept at convincing those around the victim that the victim is doing something wrong. The narcissist projects their own demons onto the victim and others believe them. Soon there may be a whole gang within a victim’s social circle, family, or workplace defending the narcissist and gaslighting the victim.

At some point, the narcissist will reject their target, tossing them aside like a piece of garbage. The victim might struggle to maintain the relationship, but that horrible realization that they’ve been used will start to sink in. The truth is, there is no genuine relationship, they don’t really care about you, and you’re just a means to an end. You were just the stairs they climbed to attain a higher status or achieve a goal. Learning the truth can ruin a victim’s life, making them feel unworthy, unloved, even suicidal. But it should be a reflection upon how depraved the narcissist is, how far they’re willing to go to feel powerful, loved, capable, successful.

After describing this process, Mirza delves into the traits that covert passive aggressive narcissists have. She then details their control and manipulation tactics. You will see how both fit into the previous process– and why this is so insidious compared to our average definition of a narcissist. While their tactics may be painfully obvious to their targets, they are highly skilled at convincing others they’re the real victims. Because they are so “wonderful” to others, maintaining the appearance that they are gracious contributors to the greater good, their targets’ experiences are minimized. “Surely the dynamic PTA mom or the gregarious advertising executive couldn’t be guilty of that.” The trauma the victim is suffering may be used to justify the narcissist’s claims that they are unstable/emotional/mental.

Now that I’ve touched on the horrors that this type of narcissist commits, I’ll leave it up to the author to detail the rest. Mirza spends the next part of her book discussing why narcissists might do it and how all of this plays out in parenting, dating, and marriage. A good portion of this book is dedicated to healing as well. While easy to read, these parts of the book should be digested slowly. The way Mirza approaches these topics can completely expose the web of lies targets have been entangled in– and how to shed these sticky strands completely.

An extremely valuable part of the book is where Mirza teaches survivors of covert passive aggressive narcissistic abuse to trust their guts in order to recognize it for what it is. She teaches the reader in simple terms what’s healthy and what’s not. These are concepts that should be taught to human beings from childhood. Yet many adults are unequipped for real love, or healthy work relationships or friendships, making this book all the more valuable. Mirza believes that survivors can heal and offers additional resources at the end of the book.

A wide range of people would benefit from this book. While much of its content is geared towards narcissists’ targets, this book is a great way to learn how NOT to be used by them. It helps readers discern when they’re being played and why they might be susceptible to it. All in all, this is a great read, another weapon in an advocate’s arsenal against the dangerous abusers among us.


©2022 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com

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Photo by Tim Hüfner on Unsplash

Every man must decide whether he will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the darkness of destructive selfishness.

Martin Luther King Jr.

Yesterday the face of the cowardly alleged murderer who took the lives of four young people in their beds was revealed to the world. The 28 year-old suspect in the Moscow, Idaho killings was taken into custody after fleeing across the country to his parents’ home (that speaks volumes right there). His mug shot radiates a smug insecurity.

Curiously, many media outlets did not instantly refer to him by first, middle, and last name as they do in most spree or serial killing cases. That practice unfortunately feeds a serial killer mythos, rewarding murderers with a special kind of notoriety. It seems to reward some of the worst criminals, making their names more memorable as if they’ve joined an elite pantheon of evil.

I won’t use his name. Not in this piece. Anyone who finds pleasure in premeditated brutality against others, who feels powerful by attacking and killing people in their sleep, is a coward. Pure and simple. This is someone who doesn’t even have the stones to take himself out, instead projecting whatever injustices he hasn’t processed correctly onto human beings who didn’t cause them.

There’s nothing about these crimes that will be remembered as “brilliant” or have people saying “what a mastermind.” As investigators said early on in this case, you can’t commit such a violent crime and not leave evidence behind. They were correct. It sounds like the suspect’s DNA was found at the scene. His car was captured on video. This was far from meticulous. It strikes me as someone who believed they were smarter than everyone else, a legend in their own mind. This isn’t the 1970s, an era before all of our modern technology and resources.

The suspect’s education is similar to my own. Unless the curriculum has changed radically since I graduated from the same school of criminal justice and criminology, students spend a lot of time studying older cases, “pre-CSI” cases. I have a master’s degree in forensic psychology, something he had an interest in, emphasis on psychology, not science. People often say, “Forensic psychology– oh! Like a CSI.” No. It’s psychology within a legal framework, not intensive crime scene investigation.

There was an absence of sexual assaults in this case, which could have left more evidence, but the act of killing itself can be its own high for this type. His fellow students are now speaking out, saying he was more engaged and outgoing after the murders. Clearly, if he is indeed responsible, he went on with life as usual, returning to class and going home for the holidays.

If he thought that getting an education along this track would make him a better killer, or help him commit the perfect crime, that’s illogical. Acquiring the mindset of a killer through studying other murderers may actually give you a false sense of your own confidence and skills. In this case the education was likely used to enhance feelings that were already there. Worse, he likely felt that taking others’ lives was justifiable based on his own adverse life experiences. Or even that people who “had it better than him” or he saw as “lesser” than him deserved this.

Earlier this week I told someone that the Moscow suspect is like those firefighter or fire investigator arsonists who set fires themselves and watch as others respond. Or they respond themselves and are lauded as the “hero” because they happened to be in the area, responded first, saved someone from it, or “solved” the case. They gravitate towards the profession due to a love of power and control. Having the uniform, the degree, the professional acclaim, the authority can be a powerful narcotic for those predisposed to a “little g” god complex.

Already accounts from fellow students and former friends are noting a pronounced degree of narcissism in the suspect. One said that she ended the friendship because he would chide her that she wasn’t as smart as him. She seems to have recognized that she wasn’t in a friendship, but a toxic put-down relationship which he used to feel better about himself. He’s worked as a security guard in a school, which in context could support his power and control issues. I’ve had the thought that perhaps he even planned to sail in with the “solution” to the Moscow murders as if his alleged brilliance had solved the case, probably thinking he’d be hailed as the next John E. Douglas.

Washington State is known for its serial killers and many are familiar with the narcissism involved in some of them. Quite often in conversation, we Washingtonians find that we know someone involved in the case or know someone who knows someone who knew the killer. They note, in retrospect, red flags that something was wrong. A high school friend of mine’s mother, for example, counted Ted Bundy among her neighborhood playmates. She said that even as grade school kids he always had to be the “in control” figure when they played together, including an oddly macho version of Superman.

Robert Yates, the so-called Spokane Serial Killer, targeted prostitutes, who to him were disposable. He had that all too-familiar “I’m so intelligent and everyone else is an idiot” complex. I believe he even had a bumper sticker to that effect. He was so self-confident that he buried some of his victims next to his house where his wife planted flowers and his kids played. There are other local examples. Sometimes their arrogance is their downfall.

I offer these examples to illustrate such narcissism is common among those who feel entitled to end others’ lives, not to classify the Moscow suspect with Bundy, Yates, etc. There are differences. Underneath them all, though, you will likely find a deeply insecure person who has been rejected, bullied, or who feels different, who tries to hide a fiery rage against the rest of humanity. As a person of faith, I note that allowing yourself to irrationally project your rage onto others means you’ve fallen for the original lie, that you shall be as gods. It creates portals into your soul where dark forces take refuge.

We live in a society in which it’s increasingly common for those who feel wronged to kill others. Look at how many people, mostly women, are killed by their partners every day. Look at how many school shootings we’ve had. There are up to 50 serial killers on the loose in the U.S. at any given time, although they are responsible for just a fraction of the times people choose to rob others of their lives. As we collectively more towards living our own truths and away from a more universal concept of good and evil, we are developing young men and women with an inability to resolve conflict, who see murder as an acceptable solution to their own inner pain.

We’ve heard of the term “thrill kill.” Some have wondered if this was purely such a type of crime. Others have speculated that the killer was sexually frustrated and/or may have had a fixation on or was stalking one of the victims. This is all possible. I don’t doubt that at minimum he chose his targets and planned this. He might have had this fantasy brewing for a while. His social media posts networking with convicted killers for a study he’d planned could well have been intended for his own schemes.

He probably spent a lot of his time alone with his own thoughts, playing out various scenarios. Also, who or what did he practice on? Has he done this before? Would he have done this again? We may learn more as he’s extradited to Idaho, where he will receive an objective trial, but the collective, righteous rage of the community should not be underestimated. It will lead to positive change and a powerful repudiation of this evil.

These are not people who have been cowering in fear. These are men, women, adults, teens who have been working together to improve each others’ safety and minister to each others’ needs. Out of this incident fierce advocates for others are arising, who are not only going to speak out on behalf of others, but whose advocacy is going to save lives. The suspect’s classmates who are currently stunned by learning the killer was in their midst will go on to serve others, to educate others, not to kill others. In time they will overcome their trauma and shock because they will seek appropriate resources and heal through connection with others.

Murdering four defenseless people in their beds was not a dazzling act of brilliance. It does not display a mastery of anything. To some it may be surprising that a criminology and forensic psychology student is responsible. But some know or know of people who are attracted to related professions for the wrong reasons, so it isn’t a huge surprise. These murders are actually a supreme act of cowardice.

While the suspect may be convicted, file appeals, and fight the legal system for decades believing that he can game it, there is a point at which he will have to give an account of himself before the Creator. While an increasing number of people don’t believe in God, and therefore have no regard for the rules he set for human behavior, I believe in both a love and a justice infinitely more consequential than anything humanity can mete out. If this killer does not confess and cooperate, he won’t get away with this forever.

May love rule.


Please visit the University of Idaho’s memorial page to learn how to support the victims’ families and scholarship funds established in their names. You may also contribute to a fund that supports students in crisis.


©2022 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com

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Why didn’t she leave?

Why wasn’t there an arrest?

We didn’t see anything wrong; they seemed like the perfect couple.

These are the statements people often make when they learn about an abusive relationship, especially when one ends in homicide. Assumptions about domestic violence are rife in modern society. We tend to armchair quarterback others’ relationships instead of taking the time to understand the dynamics of and patterns within domestic violence.

Jane Monckton Smith, a Professor of Public Protection in the UK, has written In Control: Dangerous Relationships and How They End in Murder. You may have seen Professor Monckton Smith being interviewed on crime shows or have read her other books. This book, however, should be required reading for humanity.

Monckton Smith takes readers through eight easy-to-understand stages of how domestic violence progresses to homicide. She offers examples from her own career that are relatable and straightforward. Many can see their own tendencies, or that of someone they know, in the people she has studied and interviewed.

By the end of this book, you might be stunned by how simple, how logical, how obvious these eight stages are. Using the eight stages as a template, you can set that template on nearly any deadly domestic situation and see how closely it fits. All of us, with rare exception, are very familiar with deadly relationships thanks to the media, so this can be used as a tool to understand what has actually happened.

I firmly agree with Monckton Smith that people don’t “just lose it,” one of the premises of this book. That is a myth. The “crime of passion” theory, that someone was murdered in the heat of the moment, is a convenient go-to explanation, sometimes used so that we don’t have to deal with the gruesome reality of the buildup and outcome. As she explains, long before the murder there is a devaluing of the victim and decisions are made by the killer that culminate in the taking of a human life.

Monckton Smith is also wise to point out the erroneous judgments society makes against the victims. She has great empathy for why victims are trapped in dangerous relationships and why they can’t usually “just leave.” We always seem to ask this after someone is hurt or dead, “why didn’t she just leave?” At one point in the book she asks, “why didn’t he leave?” He (or she) had the freedom to leave at any time: they had the means, the freedom, the income, the ability to exit safely, not the victim.

This statement– why didn’t he leave– nails what domestic violence is all about: power and control. Abusers don’t want to give up power and control. This is why the risk of homicide goes up so dramatically when a victim tries to leave an abusive relationship; the abuser still wants control. Some abusers are so desperate to retain control that they are willing to kill their partner, spouse, and even their own children so that they “win.”

The author features interviews with actual murderers in this book to show that power and control takes different forms. Others may see the “nice guy,” the “quiet recluse,” the “violent drunk,” or the “jilted lover.” These killers may present as something entirely opposite of who they are. Thanks to her experiences in policing in particular, she looks deeper, finding that yes, regardless of how different these killers are, they still progressed through the stages that lead to homicide.

Beneath different personalities, beneath different MOs, beneath different situations and circumstances, Monckton Smith identifies an often insidious progression that leads from alleged love to cold, calculated death. Its presence in so many different cases is eerie and unsettling. Yet if we would simply educate people about it, it would be so much more obvious to all when it occurs. We would be able to stop the fatal progression and save lives.

We should be educating children about domestic violence. Teens should absolutely know the warning signs of a controlling relationship. They should also know how and where to get help. Imagine if we made In Control required reading in high schools, if we actually sent young people into adulthood with a functional knowledge of what constitutes a healthy relationship and what does not. Many of us had no clue. But with a book like this, there are no more excuses.

As a side note, there are references in this book to the UK’s legal system and police forces that Americans may be unfamiliar with. You should be able to figure them out quickly, and Monckton Smith does explain some of them.

Overall, please consider sharing In Control with your local schools, shelters, advocates, police forces, libraries, and especially churches. Churches sometimes have a particular naivete about this progression to death, blaming and shaming victims instead. It’s time that we all know this, we all use this, and we stop letting these eight stages run their course until they culminate in murder.

No more excuses. There aren’t any more excuses with a book like this available.


©2022 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com

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Photo by Maarten van den Heuvel on Unsplash

Washington State needs an update to its stalking laws.

To date I can’t get any state legislator I’ve contacted to respond. I first reached out about this in October of 2021.

As I’ve told the legislative committee that should take this forward, this is a non-partisan issue and the RCW is in desperate need of a logical, compassionate update. 

In my original email (with one minor edit), I said:


You are already familiar with RCW 9A.46.110, which addresses the crime of stalking. It specifically requires that a person be placed in fear and feels fear:

(b) The person being harassed or followed is placed in fear that the stalker intends to injure the person, another person, or property of the person or of another person. The feeling of fear must be one that a reasonable person in the same situation would experience under all the circumstances; and

(c) The stalker either:

(i) Intends to frighten, intimidate, or harass the person; or

(ii) Knows or reasonably should know that the person is afraid, intimidated, or harassed even if the stalker did not intend to place the person in fear or intimidate or harass the person.

As a woman who has faced several different stalking situations, I can attest to how life-disrupting and alarming this can be. But not everyone feels fear. In time fear can also turn to other emotions like frustration and anger.

Stalking should be illegal, period. Its legal definition in the RCW should not include “placed in fear.” That is archaic, myopic, and discriminatory even if it means well. As Jennifer Gatewood Owens said in A Gender-Biased Definition: Unintended Impacts of the Fear Requirement in Stalking Victimization, “Arguably, the fear requirement present in most states’ definitions of stalking is inherently gender-biased and should be removed, as no other type of crime is defined by an emotional response.” It’s also bizarre that the RCW places such an emphasis on the reaction of the victim instead of the offender’s behavior.

I am asking that you sponsor legislation to eliminate the condition of “fear” as other states have done. It’s time to modernize this. It needs to be more inclusive and equitable.


What are you willing to do in order to see our state laws updated? Please start by signing the Update Washington State’s Stalking Law petition. Critics say these petitions are just a feel good gesture, but when you have enough signatures, your cause starts receiving the attention it needs to create powerful change. Thank you!


©2022 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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Rage Angry Explosion - Free image on Pixabay

Inflated sense of their own importance.

Lack of empathy.

Sense of entitlement.

Expect special treatment.

Believe they are superior.

Problems regulating stress.

Expect unquestioning compliance with their desires.

The rules don’t apply to them.

Their time is more important.

They must be first. They absolutely, positively MUST be first, regardless of the inconveniences or risks they create for others.

Most of us are familiar with these common traits of narcissists. We all know someone who has these issues– an ex-boyfriend, a coworker, a relative. We talk about narcissists easily, highlighting individuals in our own experience and bantering about how horrible they are to deal with.

But what is it called when the large part of a population starts to behave this way? And these many thousands of people carelessly careen around in one- or two- or five-ton weapons on wheels? They must be first. Laws don’t apply to them. They are not concerned with the safety or well-being of others.

I’ve previously used the term vehicular narcissism to describe the way many people in the Seattle area drive. While the term itself may imply narcissism on the part of the vehicles, it’s those who operate the vehicles whose prefrontal cortexes seem to go dark when they get behind the wheel.

In older posts I’ve made lists of the most prevalent Seattle driving behaviors. Some of the people were doing this some of the time. But since the age of COVID hit in early 2020 and police presence seemed to take a few steps back, an insidious mass illness has flooded our roadways like toxic sludge.

At first traffic was light but commutes were punctuated by too cool for school types blowing by at 90 or more in the toll or HOV lanes. Motorcyclists seemed to think we were in a Mad Max movie. People started to roll through stop signs and stop lights. Ten over was a common speed. Gradually traffic volumes returned to normal and my hope was that this behavior would calm down.

But it’s gotten so much WORSE. It seems impossible to leave home without encountering multiple angst-filled, entitled motorists who scream at and road rage others– often for obeying traffic laws!

Have you encountered any of the following behaviors lately?

  • You’re honked at for coming to a complete stop
  • You’re screamed at for leaving a safe following distance
  • You’re road raged for doing the speed limit
  • You have to slam on the brakes because someone from an adjoining street ignored a traffic signal
  • You see a car fly past a pedestrian already in the crosswalk, often people with dogs and children

Yes, these behaviors are routine nowadays. Don’t tell me “welcome to the new normal” because this shouldn’t be normal. People are injured, disabled, and killed by vehicular narcissism, aka drivers who need to better self-regulate.

One of the most amazing parts about this phenomenon is that if you honk or yell or reflexively throw up your hands, the bad drivers will flip you the bird or scream or aggressively jerk their vehicle towards you in some juvenile display of supposed dominance. There is no remorse.

They are most important.

They should be first.

Their time is more important than yours.

There are various takes on what kind of drivers are the worst. The Seattle area does have a lot of high performance vehicles on the roads, especially expensive SUVs. Two weeks ago I saw a Land Rover accessorized to the point of ridiculousness. It looked like something the last man on earth would make if he were going on a cross country zombie-killing trip and didn’t care what any last woman on earth might think. It had a noticeable sign on the back that said, “Enjoy your Jeep, peasants.”

I’ve heard “Teslas are the new BMWs.” Teslas are a trendy new item that accelerate quickly. This is one of the most common types of cars I see blasting down the road as if speed limits are merely a suggestion for the commoners. In the ’80s and ’90s, we had an influx of BMWs that were often blamed on those who escaped LA. Now these silent but deadly electric cars fly over our roads with their kin, joining the hoardes of other wheeled terrors that continually scoff at traffic laws.

A common topic of discussion when complaining about motor vehicle operator behavior is Big Truck Drivers. These are the jacked up full-sized pickups often sporting an illegal lack of mud flaps and wide wheel base. They like to show everyone how awesome the sound of their engine is and how much smoke they can belch as they floor it to pass the unworthy peons who obstruct their need to go 85.

Just tonight I was road raged by one of these. Angry that I was going slightly over the speed limit and not 120, he kept gunning it to ride up on my bumper, flash his lights, and bellow The Indignant Roar of the Entitled Big Truck Driver. He swerved around me in a turn lane and then cut me off. Thanks to his smooth handling skills and mature adult behavior, he was able to get that much closer to the vehicle in front of me. Then he made it to the next traffic signal before I did, where he was subsequently caught in the same five mile per hour traffic jam as the rest of us.

But these behaviors can come from any type of vehicle, like the mini van that backed into me in a parking lot and then told his insurance company I backed into him. Or the sneering woman who refused to let me merge onto the freeway and ran me onto the shoulder at 60. Then there was the SUV driver with a two-handed death grip on a giant sub sandwich who forced me off an arterial recently. The blank look in her eyes told me it probably didn’t register that she could have killed someone because SANDWICH. On it goes. All the time.

Seattle, we need to collectively get a grip. It’s gotten so much worse the past couple of years. Civilized behavior on the roads will continue to disintegrate unless we all ask take an inventory of our own behavior. Let’s take a check-up.

1. Are you STOPPING at stop signs and traffic signals?

This means, as my driver’s ed teacher would say, you actually stop and feel your own body’s counter motion when you do. Your wheels actually stop moving.

This does not include tapping the brakes then rolling through. This does not include looking before you roll through. This does not include blowing the sign or signal without even slowing, or driving through a red because you don’t see anyone coming the other way.

Stop means STOP. Stopping allows your brain a moment to reset and adequately scan for pedestrians and other vehicles in both directions.

2. Are you driving a reasonable speed?

Every day I see people driving 55 in a 35, 35 when the 20 mph school zone light is flashing, ludicrous speeds on the freeways.

Consider how much less able you are to stop for hazards or other living beings when your speed is increased. The news always touts that factoid in snow storms, but it’s true all of the time.

One ironic thing I’ve noticed is that most of the time, when someone is tailgating me in a residential neighborhood or near a school, they turn off in that neighborhood or at the school. Yet I’ll bet they complain about people driving too fast through their neighborhood.

It is also dangerous to drive at low speeds on the freeway, and it’s actually illegal to do that in the passing (left) lane. Keep to the right, maintain freeway speed, and stop blocking travel lanes.

3. Are you yielding to pedestrians?

Pedestrians have been getting missed a lot as drivers blow through signs and signals. Just tonight I saw a poor guy with a Golden Retriever waiting patiently at a crosswalk. He was highly visible but cars from three different directions decided to go through the intersection without waiting for him to cross. When he did cross, other vehicles impatiently started to cross before he was out of the crosswalk.

It is the law that you leave a lane’s width for those pedestrians. Waiting a few extra seconds won’t hurt you.

4. Are you following too closely?

A majority of drivers follow too closely. You should be able to see the rear wheels of the vehicle in front of you at all times. At freeway speeds, you should be able to count a “one thousand, two thousand, three thousand” between you and the vehicle you’re following.

Crashes happen all day every day because people choose to follow too closely. Freeways back up for miles because people can’t stay off of each others’ tails. This is so very avoidable but seldom done.

5. Are you racing between traffic signals, aka stoplights?

This is another bizarre trend in this area. People gun it to get ahead of others in traffic only to make it to the next red traffic signal before them.

It’s been proven that this antsy, reckless technique doesn’t really save you time. It does make you look like a jerk. Calm down, drive something resembling the speed limit, and we’ll all get there.

6. Are you a Frogger driver?

A coworker said the other day, “People drive like they’re in a video game!” This is so very true. Drivers weave in and out of lanes to get ahead of others. If one lane is going the speed limit, they’ll veer into the other to get ahead. They ping pong back and forth, usually without a turn signal. It’s critically important to them that they be first in line, and chances are no one in their car is in labor on the way to the hospital.

7. Are you using your turn signal?

Yes, for real. Signaling before turns, merges, or lane changes seems to have gone the way of the dodo.

IT’S THE LAW. USE YOUR SIGNAL. To do otherwise is pure laziness.

8. Are you braking to change lanes or because you see a freeway exit?

This ridiculous but very normal practice has a butterfly effect on our highways in particular. Drivers brake or slow down considerably to make lane changes. This can be very dangerous in wet weather. Maintain your speed, use your signal, look for an opening. It’s unlikely that you’ll need to use your brakes at all.

If you don’t know what I’m saying about freeway exits, watch and it will become obvious. People in the right lane inexplicably slow at exits, often following the fog line as if they are going to exit, then swerving back onto the freeway while doing 40 or 50.

9. Are you paying attention to your surroundings?

People in our area seem to have poor situational awareness. Mothers push their children in strollers with ear buds in or while on the phone, oblivious to threats around them. People reach right in front of you at the grocery store as if they were never taught the words “excuse me.” People drive as if completely oblivious to any signage or other lives.

What was the name of the last house address or cross street you passed? What was the last mile marker on the freeway? Do you know if you’re traveling east or west? Could you describe what the last jogger you saw was wearing?

Not long ago I was near an intersection where the power was out. While I don’t advise that others do this, I stood on the sidewalk and motioned at people to slow down.

As usual, many people didn’t notice me at all. Most eyes were fixed straight ahead. Some heads were bouncing around as they talked to others. These folks blew right through this dark intersection at the speed limit, or in some cases, far above it.

State law says to treat dark intersections as a four-way stop. But how many even notice that it’s dark? And how many people do you see stop or kind of stop, then follow other cars through the intersection without waiting their turn?

10. Are you taking out your rage on others who have nothing to do with it?

It is unfortunately normal to be road raged and threatened for being a careful driver. Careful does not mean stopping two car lengths from an intersection or driving 15 under. Careful means that you are driving something resembling the speed limit and you’re actively aware of your surroundings.

I came to a complete stop at a stop sign next to a school this summer. The guy behind me completely lost his crap. He started squirreling around in his big truck and screaming like an overgrown baby, then slowed down to yell threats as I signaled and made a sharp turn further up.

Because of behavior like this, many of us don’t want to be “the one who actually stops at the stop sign” or “the freak who goes the speed limit.”

Try going the posted 25 mph speed limit on East Marginal Way in Seattle. You will be mercilessly tailgated, then aggressively swerved around for daring to inconvenience others by obeying the law. They can’t just tailgate and change lanes. To prove whatever their point is, they have to ride your bumper, then make themselves known by scraping past you and swiftly cutting in front of you. It’s a rush, a power trip.

So we conform. We’re sheep. We become the thing we hate, making excuses to ourselves as to why we’re the exception to the rule.

Why our time is more important.

Why we’re entitled to live outside the lines.

Like middle schoolers who don’t want to be uncool, we do what the bullies do and speed and swerve and scream and swear.

11. Do you have super powers?

Comedian Dave Barry has pointed out that we all think we’re above average drivers.

Our collective driving habits seem to reveal that we do, in fact, think we’re above average drivers. We think, “I can glide through this light, I’ll see if there are pedestrians there.” Or, “I know how to handle a car like this. None of these other morons know how to drive.”

We tell ourselves lies to justify our reckless endangerment of others’ lives. Who cares that there might be a baby or a pet we can’t see in that other vehicle. Who cares that we might kill someone’s brother or daughter or grandmother as we blast from Point A to Point B with our eyes fixed straight ahead. It’s not our brother or daughter or grandmother. Our insurance will cover it.

Besides taking stock of our own behaviors and determining if we too have turned zombie and conformed to the sociopathic driving practices of the COVID era, I have one other piece of advice.

CALL THE POLICE.

Report this stuff. Don’t stand for it. Don’t shrug it off. Don’t allow it to become normal.

911 is available from any phone any time. Even if they can’t catch the aggressive driver, if you give them that license plate, it’s in the record now.

Bullies win if you let them win. Bullying becomes normal if you participate and/or look the other way.

We are all important.

It is important to practice empathy.

You are not entitled to endanger others’ safety and lives.

On the road you should not expect special treatment unless you’re an oversized load.

You are not superior to other human beings.

We all need to restrain from taking our stress out on those who have nothing to do with it.

Others don’t have to conform to your special demands.

The rules DO apply to you.

Everyone’s time is important.

And unless you’re in labor or bleeding to death, you don’t NEED to be first.

Just say no to vehicular narcissism.


I become the incarnation of what I express.

Selwyn Hughes

©2021 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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Wow.

I just watched this video by Fabio D’Andrea and Mel B. It says everything without saying a word.

This is four minutes of truth that showcases the horrifying ebb and flow of an abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships don’t start this way. The abuser may sweep the victim off their feet, seeming like a long-awaited soul mate. They may be charming, be well-liked, seem vulnerable. They may be that “great guy” or the “perfect woman.” They may convince you they’re the only one who really understands.

They start to test you, start to push your boundaries. Drop by drop, before you have any idea what’s happening, they suck your sense of self away. You begin to lose control over small decisions. Your friends aren’t quite up to their standards, so you start spending more time with theirs. They want to know where you are and who you’re with. If you deny them anything, the guilt trips will fall like hail until they win.

Seeing that you have been conditioned not to stand up for yourself, you’re screamed at. Accused of cheating. Pushed down. Spat upon. Slapped across the face. Fearing more, and in many cases being at a size disadvantage, you don’t fight back. When it’s over, and the sullen silence finally breaks, they’re sorry. They buy you something. They make you dinner. And the cycle of violence begins all over as you think or they promise it will never happen again. Some never make it out of that cycle alive.

In this video, you see the seething sense of entitlement the man has. She is his property. She is his prize. He’s charming, attractive, masculine, and tender in public. He has the crowd’s approval. They appear to be a wealthy, successful, well-matched couple. In private he terrorizes her, surveils her, beats on her to show her she’s not worthy of a man like him. He takes her money out of her wallet. He demands she wear something sexier to their party.

The ending scene is eerily familiar to survivors of abuse. The aerial view, like at the beginning, shows how truly isolated she was. You might leave with nothing. You might not know where you’re going. You hope he doesn’t chase you down while you’re running. But you took that step. And you’ll take the next step, and the next step, and get farther and farther away from your former life.

The farther away you get, the more you’ll detoxify. You’ll realize some people you thought were friends were enabling the abuse because they didn’t want to deal with the reality of your situation. It will dawn on you how much you were brainwashed. You’ll wonder why you ever laughed at those crude jokes, why you compromised yourself in a losing effort to please someone who took pleasure in the misery of others. You’ll be surprised to find yourself again.

If you are in a relationship like this, please know that nothing you do will ever be good enough for the person who is hurting you. They are a bottomless pit that no amount of your love can fill. You can’t fix them. It is not God’s will that you learn obedience, humility, or how to be a better spouse through their violence. God wants you to be healthy, unhurt, strong. You need an escape plan so that you, and possibly your children and pets, can exit the relationship safely. Talk to an expert, call a hotline when it’s safe to do so.

In the United States, we have The Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can talk, text, or chat from the website.

There’s also a tool that can help you Document the Abuse.

No, you don’t deserve this. You never did. You might be a man. You might be a woman. You might be gay, straight, asexual, rich, poor, introverted, extroverted, unemployed, a CEO. This affects human beings from all walks. All.

And it must stop.

You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage.

Alex Elle

©2021 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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How does your church respond to domestic violence– and are they prepared for when it affects the congregation and church property?

Christian Coalition for Safe Families

Photo by delfi de la Rua on Unsplash

In February we began a series of articles regarding What The Church Can Do. In Part 1, we defined domestic violence. Part 2 advised churches to start by believing when they learn of abuse. Part 3 contained pointers on communicating with victims, and Part 4 discussed how churches can network with advocates and authorities so they are able to respond to domestic violence efficiently. In Part 5, we touched on training your staff and volunteers plus having a list of resources available that you can safely give to victims.

That’s where most advice to churches stops when it comes to this scourge that affects a significant part of your congregation. We want churches to understand what domestic violence is and who to go to, but it’s still commonly treated like a private matter between the victim, suspect, and maybe a church…

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The memorial to the fallen Bothell police officer continued to grow last week. Department employees and volunteers kept a watchful eye on it, removing spent flowers and pulling certain pieces to share with the officer’s family as more tributes arrived. Signs around the community show their support as well. The Yakima Fruit Market, espresso stands, Brooks Biddle, and grocery stores among others are boldly proclaiming their appreciation.


©2020 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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Last night a visit to the growing memorial to the Bothell police officer who was murdered resulted in the post You Matter. I visited the site again tonight and spent some quality time with both strangers and friends as we honored this brave man. The memorial continues to grow. People of all types continue to gather there to express appreciation to our area officers, including the officer who was wounded in this incident.

The world needs to see that the Northshore area respects, appreciates, and values the men and women who take great risks every day to keep the peace in our increasingly restless society.

Shortly after I arrived, the woman on the left burst into a beautiful operatic rendition of The Lord’s Prayer. It was another spontaneous moment that hushed onlookers and bowed reverent heads.

See her arms raised as she lifts her voice towards heaven…

A question has been asked at this site repeatedly: what can we do to show support like this on a regular basis? How do we ensure that they always feel that the majority is behind them?

Bothell’s chaplains are doing an amazing job. The support surrounding agencies are offering Bothell PD is phenomenal.

Note Matthew 5:9, above: Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.


Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality.

C.S. Lewis

The details of Officer Shoop’s murder are here. The circumstances of his death are horrifying. May peace blanket this agency and community.


©2020 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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This morning the greater Seattle area woke up to learn that a Bothell police officer was killed in the line of duty and another was injured. No, no, no, no, no. There has been widespread animosity towards police in our nation lately and this is exactly what we didn’t want to happen.

Like many of us, I have friends and family in the profession. Officers face dangers and split second decisions that most of us never will. It sounds like a traffic stop turned deadly, leaving a family broken and grieving for the loss of a young man of solid character– who was also a veteran.

LEOs, I want you to see the outpouring of support for this officer and his department. At Bothell City Hall tonight, people of all creeds and colors poured in to leave flowers, signs, write messages in chalk on the pavement, cry, talk, and express their gratitude to Bothell PD. I was there for quite a while and adults and children came from all directions to show their support.

This coming together, this show of strength and unity, is being posted here to show you that in your town, you matter. Never mind the hate and the calls to strip your funding, we are still with you and you matter.

I noted that the candle here is called “Seeking Balance.”

This deputy came all the way from Whatcom County. He was graciously stopping to talk to kids and give them badges.

This was a remarkable moment. I was standing near Bothell’s PIO when I saw this man walk up and introduce himself. Captain Johnson thanked him for his service. The man explained that he had put on his uniform and driven to the memorial to play Amazing Grace. That he did. Then he quietly left.

Unbeknownst to the performer, a man sitting behind him on the stairs raised his hands in prayer as the song was played.

I left about 6 P.M. Just as many people were silently walking up to the memorial from all corners and leaving mementos as when I’d arrived. It’s the hottest day we’ve had this year so far and few seemed to notice. They stood, they sat, they hugged, from babies to wizened seniors. It was an astounding show of gratitude.

Out at the corner of 522 and 527, close to where the incident happened, a crowd of Blue Lives Matter supporters were demonstrating. Many, many drivers honked their horns as they went past.

The woman waving this flag is a retired deputy who has a child entering the profession. While she had a successful career and fully supports law enforcement, she expressed concerns about those following in her footsteps given the increasing dangers officers face.

Nowhere were those dangers more apparent than in downtown Bothell, Washington the night of July 13th, 2020.


Down these mean streets a man must go who is not himself mean, and who is neither tarnished nor afraid.

Raymond Chandler

©2020 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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