Join Me in Twirling, Twirling, Twirling Towards Freedom

(Originally published November 3rd, 2010… and I can’t say the 2011 election has been any better.)

Cue the sinister “investigative reporting” synthesizer note…

The TV screen oozes forth in black and white, centered on a tilted photograph of a disheveled man in an “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt who looks like he just had his eyes dilated…

A melodramatic baritone voice begins…

Joe Bonanza. He wants to steal your Prius, kidnap your hamster, and throw your 401k on a bonfire.

(A new photo comes onscreen, of this same man chewing with his mouth open in an Arby’s.)

Renowned among his sociopathic con artist peers, Bonanza once pulled the wings off a dead dragonfly in front of his elderly neighbor.

(The photo morphs to a wild frat party circa 1977, with a much younger version of Joe Bonanza draped precariously over a spiral staircase.)

He has no political experience, his IQ is lower than his shoe size, and he wants to take away everyone’s jobs and outsource them to undeserving robotic penguins in Antarctica to feed his inexplicable, unquenchable lust for control.

(A dramatic piano note startles us.)

And he has rabies.

(The music stops.)

Joe Bonanza… is this really a man we can trust in Washington?

(Cheery redemptive music starts, a strumming guitar that assures us the slovenly, untrustworthy evil that is Joe Bonanza will be vanquished from the village. The TV brightens to Technicolor.)

Sam Spenderman. A candidate we can trust.

(A portrait of a well-groomed, grinning man in a Calvin Klein sweater fresh out of his image consultant’s office dominates the screen.)

Sam has fought for government accountability, fiscal responsibility, ethical transparency, intellectual equality, and more additional itys and encys than you can shake a stick at.

(The screen shifts to a family portrait that shows generations of Spendermans and their overly whitened teeth.)

The Spenderman family has lived in Washington for seven generations, unlike the Bonanzas, who were created in a petri dish in Flushing sometime after the Korean War.

(Sam Spenderman is shown having heart-to-heart, one-on-one talks with smiling residents of an affluent retirement community.)

Unlike his opponent, Sam Spenderman works out three times a week, uses deodorant, and regularly trims his nose hair.

(We now see Spenderman playing tennis at a local YMCA with glowing, appreciative children, most of whom have never seen this man before in their lives.)

Spenderman fights for your rights. He’s only raised taxes 5,798 times in his thirty-five years in Congress.

(The next shot is of Spenderman posing with his peers, a look of ironclad resoluteness to walk the party line apparent on his face, augmented by a determined set to his chiseled jaw.)

The people of Washington can trust Spenderman to achieve world peace, never raise taxes, never create another government agency, never flush the toilet twice, to be accountable for all his extramarital liaisons, and provide free economy cars to every able-bodied adult who doesn’t work or pay taxes but cares about their country.

(Last photo, with a triumphant crescendo to the guitar music.)

Sam Spenderman. He will singlehandedly carry us into the 22nd century and beyond. Because he’s more awesome than the Justice League after 27 cases of Red Bull.

IS ANYONE ELSE SICK OF THIS BOTTLED CRAP LIKE I AM?!!!! Why do they make these stupid and predictable ads?!!!

If you’re a political candidate, and the only way you can get elected to office is to tear down your competitor, then I have trouble believing that you could get into office on your own merit.

What happened to the days of Lincoln-Douglas, when two men with opposing views held deep and intelligent debates that educated and enlightened their listeners?

Despite their disagreements, Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas were dear friends, beautifully illustrated when Douglas held Lincoln’s hat for him as he was being sworn in as president.

Honestly. These ads make me feel like politicians think we’re stupid and easily swayed by dramatic music juxtaposed against deliberately selected unflattering pictures.

I also want to know who the people are that would base their vote on these ads, or roadside signs, or sound bites that sound like drivel from a bad celebrity gossip blog. Nobody I can think of.

Next time around, I would like to see candidates and campaigners holding respectful public debates about relevant issues. This time, the vast majority of what I’ve seen is grown people attacking each other as if they’re five year-olds riding in the back seat of a station wagon yelling, “He’s touching me!” “I’m not touching you.” “He’s touching me!” “Stop poking me.” “He put his finger in my ear!” “She said a bad word!” “No I didn’t.” “Stop touching me!”

This year, more than any other election, I’m just… flabbergasted at the lack of substance. I know there are well-qualified, hard-working candidates out there who really will do their best to serve the citizens. I know some of them, and I’m rooting for them tonight. But they seem to have been drowned out by the name calling, unfair labeling, and endless rehashing of Freudian slips from decades prior.

So someone swore. They’re human. So someone said something that offended someone. It’s a free country. So a candidate once held stock in a company the other candidate disapproves of. Uh-huh. They used the wrong club in golf. WHOOPIE DO! What’s your point?

Am I really going to pick a person to represent me based on little nitpicky things they are alleged to have done in prep school, or am I going to do my homework and investigate their values, integrity, and political leanings? Authors Dennis and Barbara Rainey once said that being nagged at is like being nibbled to death by a duck… and my cerebellum feels nibbled.

To whoever decided that America needs to be spoon fed microwavable junk food this election instead of a hearty home cooked meal: please change your strategy. You are insulting me and my hard-working, intelligent, free-thinking friends of all political and religious persuasions when you want us to vote for your candidate based mostly on mood music and tired promises that there really is a Candy Mountain, Chaaaaarrrrllliiieeee.*

(Stop touching me!)


Editor’s notes:

*Candy Mountain is a place that a reluctant unicorn named Charlie is lured to by “friends”, only to have one of his kidneys stolen when he goes inside. This happens in a disturbing animated YouTube video that has become a popular cultural reference.

**No disrespect is intended towards the community or people of Flushing. This was a random selection that fit well in the sentence.

***The graphic is a shirt I created for a relative’s birthday based on one of their favorite Simpsons quotes. Kang is a space alien who briefly took over Senator Bob Dole’s body in one Halloween episode. I’d much rather be twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom tonight than seeing even one more attack ad. Feel free to join me.

©2010 H. Hiatt/ All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/

2 thoughts on “Join Me in Twirling, Twirling, Twirling Towards Freedom

  1. I hope email addresses are concealed on this blog as I do not want my email address out there to collect junk.

    That said, I love your description of Spenderman!

    In answer to your rhetorical question, “What’s your point?”
    Please refer to the old Alice Cooper rock song where he screams, “I just want to be ELECTED!”

    As a prior Precinct Officer I can tell you from first hand experience that the people who do the things best which you hate most, are the ones who get ELECTED!

    Why do you think EVERYONE is told they have to go VOTE! Can you say, “lowest common denominator?” I knew you could!

    Of course you realize it is really a one party system under two party names, right? Kind of like WWF wrestling isn’t it?

    What do you think would happen if they held an election and everyone did a write-in vote for “None of the Above?”

    Sammy Stealth


    1. Love the Alice Cooper quote!

      You appear to be referring to Demicans and Republicrats… your suggestion for the write-in campaign is hilarious!! I dare you!

      For as much as I value my right to participate in the political process, I do admit that I almost made Donald Duck a write-in candidate at least twice on this most recent ballot…


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