Holen Sie schnell Hilfe!

I’ve always said that in cat theology, cats see God as God, but the devil appears as a vacuum cleaner.

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German cat turns on vacuum, causes emergency alert
Associated Press

BERLIN — A cat home alone in Germany apparently turned on the vacuum cleaner, frightened itself half to death and wound up being attended to by emergency services.

Police in the Bavarian city of Bayreuth said a neighbor heard the cat’s cries — not to mention a vacuum left running for hours — and feared there’d been a terrible accident.

The fire service sped to the scene Monday evening, but found only the cat and the machine.

A police statement today said the emergency call wasn’t entirely in vain, though, because “at least the cat could be calmed down.”

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Poor kitty!

If you have a cat, you understand. There is something about a vacuum cleaner that ignites a cat’s deepest, most primal fears.

In cat culture worldwide, surely legends have been passed down through generations of cats warning each other of the dangers of vacuums.

“Now if you don’t behave and stop climbing the curtains, the Vacuum Cleaner Monster will come out of the closet when you’re asleep and suction out your brains,” says obnoxious older brother cat to his younger siblings.

There’s probably the story of the Great Vacuum Incident of 1899. The Surprise Vacuum Invasion of 1943. And countless tales of brave felines with Scottish brogues and broadswords standing victorious over hordes of dismembered futuristic housecleaning machines.

I’ve often wondered if vacuum cleaners emit a certain frequency that bothers cats’ ears, like thunderstorms bother dogs. Also, from their perspective, it must be quite unnerving to have a stationary object roar to life and appear to chase them.

Cats and dogs do not have the pretense and skepticism that humans do when it comes to seeing our Creator as He is. If He walked into a room, animals would undoubtedly rush to Him in glee without hesitation.

The feline concept of the Accuser, however, almost certainly differs from our own. While humans conceptualize the devil as a dragon, masquerading as an angel of light, or as a goateed guy in a red suit with a pitchfork, I think cats would be inclined to disagree.

Cats surely recognize the devil for who he is—they are amazingly sensitive to things unseen. But in their folk stories, I’ll bet the devil materializes as a screaming red appliance called Hoover, flanked by his minions Bissell, Bosch, and Dyson.

Today there is a new tale of cat versus vacuum to be added to the pantheon of feline survival stories. Our cats’ great-great-grandchildren will be told how Helmut of Bayreuth inadvertently activated the devil machine and emerged unscathed.

He may have had some minor assistance from the fire department, but it shows that cats can face their darkest fears and live to tell about it. Kitties all over the world tonight are probably high-fiving each other, saying, “Dude, that’s awesome.”

If only the rest of us had the courage to face our demons head on and, with a little help from a Higher Power, become inspirations to others of our own kind.

Regardless of how we all view this incident, I’m sure we can agree on one thing. Hopefully this cat’s human will take a second to unplug the vacuum before they leave for work tomorrow.

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I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior. -Hippolyte Taine

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