October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, a time when pink ribbons and bracelets are everywhere because one in eight women will fight breast cancer in her lifetime. But October is also Domestic Violence Awareness Month, signified by the color purple, acknowledging that one in four women will be a victim of domestic violence. Given the narcissism and lack of respect for others that is prevalent in our society, I’ll bet the rates are higher than that.
What really galls me about domestic violence in America is that it’s accepted as a cultural norm. If it wasn’t, it wouldn’t be such a problem. It’s even worse in other countries. We are so quick to assume that people are just passionate/dramatic/mental/unstable/addicted/going to work through it/mutually combative/sensitive and so on when domestic violence is at work. We often blame the victims for not being more together/attractive/caring/sensitive/sexually interested/giving, etc. when the real issue is that their partner is choosing to harm them.
America needs to understand what domestic violence really is. We associate domestic violence with black eyes and broken arms, not anxiety, depression, maxed out credit cards, forced sex, or physical illness. Many victims– and their friends– make the mistake of thinking that emotional abuse is never going to escalate to the next level. We spend far too much time criticizing victims of abuse and telling them what to do better because that’s far easier than confronting the abuser head on. We are a culture in denial, and until we all learn what it is and be willing to connect victims with resources that can help them, it’s not going to get better.
Domestic violence is about power and control. It doesn’t care about your color, class, or religion, or whether you’re gay or straight. It doesn’t care if you’re rich or poor. It is one person choosing to violate another person’s boundaries and hurt them, be that emotionally, physically, financially, and otherwise in a quest to dominate them. Author Sandra L. Brown has said, “Dangerous describes any man who causes damage to his partner’s emotional, physical, financial, sexual, or spiritual health.” This quote applies to both men and women, because men can be victims of domestic violence as well.
Are you familiar with the Power and Control Wheel? This is the original. It’s available in several languages and there is also a version specific to male victims. Feel free to click on it to go to the website to find some of the others.
Are you doing this to someone? Is it happening to you? You need to find help. It is not right, it’s not going to magically go away, and you and your family members, friends, or coworkers might wind up losing your lives to it. Is this really how you want to spend your life? Deep down, whether you are the abuser or the victim, don’t you know that you were created for so much more than this?
Are you familiar with the cycle of violence? How many people do you know who are trapped in this cycle? Are you?
You can learn more about stopping domestic violence at the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website. Wherever you are in the U.S., there’s a hotline that can help you get connected to people who understand what you’re dealing with and might be able to find a safe way out. The NCADV has one:
Anonymous and Confidential Help 24/7:
1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
1.800.787.3224 (TTY)
Something I like to tell readers on this blog is remember who you are. You are a child of the King. God loves you and wants the best for you. He doesn’t want you screaming at your spouse or hitting your boyfriend or forcing your family member to kowtow to your every demand. He doesn’t want to see you holding back tears so you don’t get punched in the stomach again or quietly concealing the horrors that happen behind closed doors. That’s not His way at all. God is Love, by His very nature, not drama and cheating and arguing and violence. He wants a better life for you than this.
Stop worrying about what your friends will say if you call a member of your social circle out for berating their girlfriend. Ignore the church leaders who just want you to dress pretty and cook casseroles in hopes that you’ll “win back” the pathological person who is destroying your body and spirit. Stop worrying about why he’s that way and start thinking about what you’re going to do about it. Stop putting on a brave face around your kids and minimizing your dysfunctional family dynamics.
If you don’t stop domestic violence, it will carry through generation after generation. If you don’t stop domestic violence, it will become increasingly tolerated and status quo. If you– yes, you– don’t stand up to this monster it will continue to maim and kill as it does every single day here in the United States. Domestic violence is literally a cancer on our society, tearing apart homes and leaving dead bodies in its wake as many of us walk past it with our ears plugged and our eyes turned away.
Now what are you going to do about it?
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Every family or individual dynamic that produces problems in people is a violation of God’s attitudes. We can trust God’s attitudes because they will get us out of pain. –Henry Cloud
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©2013 H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com.
Truth, Justice, and All-American Allergen-Free Apple Pie 