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Posts Tagged ‘boundaries’

Wow.

I just watched this video by Fabio D’Andrea and Mel B. It says everything without saying a word.

This is four minutes of truth that showcases the horrifying ebb and flow of an abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships don’t start this way. The abuser may sweep the victim off their feet, seeming like a long-awaited soul mate. They may be charming, be well-liked, seem vulnerable. They may be that “great guy” or the “perfect woman.” They may convince you they’re the only one who really understands.

They start to test you, start to push your boundaries. Drop by drop, before you have any idea what’s happening, they suck your sense of self away. You begin to lose control over small decisions. Your friends aren’t quite up to their standards, so you start spending more time with theirs. They want to know where you are and who you’re with. If you deny them anything, the guilt trips will fall like hail until they win.

Seeing that you have been conditioned not to stand up for yourself, you’re screamed at. Accused of cheating. Pushed down. Spat upon. Slapped across the face. Fearing more, and in many cases being at a size disadvantage, you don’t fight back. When it’s over, and the sullen silence finally breaks, they’re sorry. They buy you something. They make you dinner. And the cycle of violence begins all over as you think or they promise it will never happen again. Some never make it out of that cycle alive.

In this video, you see the seething sense of entitlement the man has. She is his property. She is his prize. He’s charming, attractive, masculine, and tender in public. He has the crowd’s approval. They appear to be a wealthy, successful, well-matched couple. In private he terrorizes her, surveils her, beats on her to show her she’s not worthy of a man like him. He takes her money out of her wallet. He demands she wear something sexier to their party.

The ending scene is eerily familiar to survivors of abuse. The aerial view, like at the beginning, shows how truly isolated she was. You might leave with nothing. You might not know where you’re going. You hope he doesn’t chase you down while you’re running. But you took that step. And you’ll take the next step, and the next step, and get farther and farther away from your former life.

The farther away you get, the more you’ll detoxify. You’ll realize some people you thought were friends were enabling the abuse because they didn’t want to deal with the reality of your situation. It will dawn on you how much you were brainwashed. You’ll wonder why you ever laughed at those crude jokes, why you compromised yourself in a losing effort to please someone who took pleasure in the misery of others. You’ll be surprised to find yourself again.

If you are in a relationship like this, please know that nothing you do will ever be good enough for the person who is hurting you. They are a bottomless pit that no amount of your love can fill. You can’t fix them. It is not God’s will that you learn obedience, humility, or how to be a better spouse through their violence. God wants you to be healthy, unhurt, strong. You need an escape plan so that you, and possibly your children and pets, can exit the relationship safely. Talk to an expert, call a hotline when it’s safe to do so.

In the United States, we have The Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can talk, text, or chat from the website.

There’s also a tool that can help you Document the Abuse.

No, you don’t deserve this. You never did. You might be a man. You might be a woman. You might be gay, straight, asexual, rich, poor, introverted, extroverted, unemployed, a CEO. This affects human beings from all walks. All.

And it must stop.

You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage.

Alex Elle

©2021 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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Texting

Young ladies (including those in my life), listen up. It’s time for some straight talk about guys who consider texting a primary form of communication or an appropriate way to get to know you.

As evidenced in previous blog posts on grammar and communication skills, I feel that texting is the devolution of the English language. Yes, I text; it can be a quick way to check in with a loved one or tell a friend about something funny when they can’t talk on the phone. But I decided a while back that I am done trying to have lengthy conversations by text because they are a convenient excuse not to actually TALK to someone. (more…)

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Batten down the hatches, folks, because my fuse is lit and crackling like a giant sparkler. After an exchange with a relationship expert who feels much the same way, I am compelled to speak out about the slavery many people live in because of improper boundaries with their exes. Let’s dive right in.

You and your boyfriend broke up. You’ve been through a divorce. You dumped the two-faced sociopath who was having unprotected sex with at least three different men yet kept up appearances by acting monogamous with you. (more…)

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What’s a real man?

Is he a “yes, dear” type who begrudgingly acts out the never-ending honey-do list? (Honey-do lists disgust me, by the way.)

Is he the guy who continually bottles up his feelings to avoid conflict?

Does he allow himself to be used to be viewed as a “nice” guy, stay quiet instead of voicing his opinion, kowtow to his partner’s unreasonable demands, or feel that he has to yell to get his point across because “she’s not listening?” (more…)

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“Real” housewives.

Bad girls.

Monster-in-laws.

Talk shows.

Tabloid-like court shows.

These are the new soap operas, the modern purveyors of chaos in American society. We have become captivated by hateful, violent, self-indulgent women without boundaries whose every outfit is worth more than the money it would take to feed several small Indian villages for a day. Their earrings are so extravagant that they appear to be chandeliers ripped from the ceiling of a hotel ballroom, and they have more shoes than Imelda Marcos. They overdo “glamour” to the point that it inhibits their natural assets. (more…)

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LTF

A few months ago, this blog featured an award-winning documentary film, Live to Forgive. It details Dean Smith’s quest to forgive the man who murdered his mother when he was 12. Not only did Dean forgive his mom’s killer, he reached out to him in person to show that God loves him too.

https://wildninja.wordpress.com/2011/07/09/live-to-forgive/ (more…)

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Could you forgive and love the man who murdered your mom?

This is the question posed to visitors upon arrival at http://livetoforgivemovie.com/, the official site of the new Live to Forgive movie.

Dean Smith was 12 when his mother was murdered by his stepfather in Enumclaw, Washington. Haunted by this sudden and violent loss, Dean’s life became a self-medicated pit of despair until he realized that he would only be free when he forgave the man who took his mother from him. (more…)

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Tonight I was standing in line at the seafood counter of a bustling grocery store. When the employee behind the counter asked, “who’s next?” a young couple practically jumped up and down and said, “us!” To my dismay, a snappily dressed middle aged woman told the employee, who was standing closer to her, “mine’s really quick.”

There was a collective jaw drop among us customers as we turned to stare at the woman, who seemed unfazed at the attention. The female half of the young couple, who was obviously very pregnant, exclaimed “I don’t believe this!” as her face turned red. (more…)

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On Sunday I went swimming with family at a local lake. I hadn’t been swimming at that particular spot before, and found that the milfoil was horrible. The kids covered themselves in it and I took pictures of them rising from the shallow water like lake monsters.

When we got home, we smelled so bad that we all had to rinse off and hose down my dog. Bits of those invasive aquatic plants stuck to us and our flip-flops like glue. I had to turn the hand shower to the high pressure setting to clean one pair of sandals, and even then it took five minutes.

While sitting at work Monday, I had an epiphany. I’d been feeling horrible since I’d shared personal information with someone. Every time I talk to that person, I feel violated. Something about these conversations clings to me like freshwater milfoil, and I try to scrub it off, to escape the stink, to feel clean again. (more…)

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Grima Wormtongue

In J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy there is a character called Grima Wormtongue. Wormtongue is an advisor to the king of Rohan who is constantly pumping the king full of verbal toxins, keeping the king weak and looking aged beyond his years. When Wormtongue is finally exposed for the controlling, venomous leech he is, the king is released from a state of zombie-like submission. He is restored to his natural state and stands boldly as the fearless warrior he is meant to be.

While pondering the causes of relationship dysfunction recently, I was struck by the disturbing realization that many men who treat their partners poorly have inappropriate relationships with their mothers. (more…)

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