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Posts Tagged ‘sexual assault’

Wow.

I just watched this video by Fabio D’Andrea and Mel B. It says everything without saying a word.

This is four minutes of truth that showcases the horrifying ebb and flow of an abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships don’t start this way. The abuser may sweep the victim off their feet, seeming like a long-awaited soul mate. They may be charming, be well-liked, seem vulnerable. They may be that “great guy” or the “perfect woman.” They may convince you they’re the only one who really understands.

They start to test you, start to push your boundaries. Drop by drop, before you have any idea what’s happening, they suck your sense of self away. You begin to lose control over small decisions. Your friends aren’t quite up to their standards, so you start spending more time with theirs. They want to know where you are and who you’re with. If you deny them anything, the guilt trips will fall like hail until they win.

Seeing that you have been conditioned not to stand up for yourself, you’re screamed at. Accused of cheating. Pushed down. Spat upon. Slapped across the face. Fearing more, and in many cases being at a size disadvantage, you don’t fight back. When it’s over, and the sullen silence finally breaks, they’re sorry. They buy you something. They make you dinner. And the cycle of violence begins all over as you think or they promise it will never happen again. Some never make it out of that cycle alive.

In this video, you see the seething sense of entitlement the man has. She is his property. She is his prize. He’s charming, attractive, masculine, and tender in public. He has the crowd’s approval. They appear to be a wealthy, successful, well-matched couple. In private he terrorizes her, surveils her, beats on her to show her she’s not worthy of a man like him. He takes her money out of her wallet. He demands she wear something sexier to their party.

The ending scene is eerily familiar to survivors of abuse. The aerial view, like at the beginning, shows how truly isolated she was. You might leave with nothing. You might not know where you’re going. You hope he doesn’t chase you down while you’re running. But you took that step. And you’ll take the next step, and the next step, and get farther and farther away from your former life.

The farther away you get, the more you’ll detoxify. You’ll realize some people you thought were friends were enabling the abuse because they didn’t want to deal with the reality of your situation. It will dawn on you how much you were brainwashed. You’ll wonder why you ever laughed at those crude jokes, why you compromised yourself in a losing effort to please someone who took pleasure in the misery of others. You’ll be surprised to find yourself again.

If you are in a relationship like this, please know that nothing you do will ever be good enough for the person who is hurting you. They are a bottomless pit that no amount of your love can fill. You can’t fix them. It is not God’s will that you learn obedience, humility, or how to be a better spouse through their violence. God wants you to be healthy, unhurt, strong. You need an escape plan so that you, and possibly your children and pets, can exit the relationship safely. Talk to an expert, call a hotline when it’s safe to do so.

In the United States, we have The Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). You can talk, text, or chat from the website.

There’s also a tool that can help you Document the Abuse.

No, you don’t deserve this. You never did. You might be a man. You might be a woman. You might be gay, straight, asexual, rich, poor, introverted, extroverted, unemployed, a CEO. This affects human beings from all walks. All.

And it must stop.

You’re not a victim for sharing your story. You are a survivor setting the world on fire with your truth. And you never know who needs your light, your warmth, and raging courage.

Alex Elle

©2021 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

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Shattered_Mirror_2_by_wolfrain319

If a woman is looked upon as an object, without feelings, life, soul, or thoughts, then it is easy to ingest images of her that defy her humanity. She is not a woman — a living creature with human attributes. She is merely a body, a vacant, empty, vessel intended to contain the needs of others — preferably men — and her body, which is the most desired aspect of her existence, perfect, lithe, smooth and hair-free, is open for interpretation and domination.

-Marina DelVecchio, The New Agenda

In an era in which human beings claim to be ever more enlightened and concerned with justice, the manner in which violence against women is depicted on television, on the internet, and in movies has never been more graphic. In fact, our society has become so desensitized to this that it’s generally considered a normal part of our entertainment. We’re so accustomed to seeing women belittled, berated, beaten, raped, and murdered that we might feel nothing but a vague ambivalence as we watch our favorite shows, be they true crime, fantasy, sitcoms, reality, or comedy.

In 2014 a group from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology published a study, Contribution of Media to the Normalization and Perpetuation of Domestic Violence, in the Austin Journal of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences. They pointed out that domestic violence (DV) is “becoming more prevalent in social media as well as academic literature. Based on the astonishing prevalence rates of DV there are good reasons to consider this issue an epidemic.” The researchers go on to say that, “DV continues to be normalized through its comedic portrayal via news outlets, magazines, advertisements, and television shows.”

This study highlighted various contributing factors to the prevalence of DV in the media, including video games, cultural and family values, religious tradition, advertisements, and the news. In particular, they discussed how DV is portrayed through humor, and how this too desensitizes us to the seriousness of what is, truly, an epidemic. They offer statistics to illustrate just how vibrantly alive and well this violence is. Additionally, they make a fantastic point that all of this desensitization and joking leads to DV being underreported—and therefore victims are underserved.

Domestic violence can be portrayed as exciting, romantic, and sexy, with couples “needing” to fight so they can have passionate make-up sessions. Some TV channels targeted at particular cultures often portray teary-eyed, emotional women playing second fiddle to demanding macho men. This dynamic can also be seen in America’s long-running soap operas, with high drama ping-ponging between characters and constant tension and betrayal. As Lucy Lopez of the Sonoma State Star pointed out last year, the movie Suicide Squad (per the original comic) shows prison psychiatrist Harley Quinn being brutally tortured into becoming the Joker’s abused girlfriend.

Similarly, Dr. Wind Goodfriend’s 2011 Psychology Today blog post outlines how the Twilight series sets fans up for abusive relationships. It glorifies the awkward girl with low-esteem being enticed and isolated by a forbidden man. If you’ve ever read Sandra L. Brown’s Women Who Love Psychopaths or How to Spot a Dangerous Man, you’ll easily recognize how the Edward-Bella dynamic could be very dangerous in real live even if it does make for an intriguing story.

More recently, the HBO series Game of Thrones has made sexual violence even more mainstream, showcasing marital rape, incest, the gang rape of a minor, and other brutal sexual assaults. While the show’s creator points out that rape is just as much a part of history as war, even longtime fans of the show began to question the value of actually depicting and watching such acts. Over and over, women on this show have been viciously assaulted, causing some to label the series medieval rape porn.

As of mid-2015, Michelle Jaworski of The Daily Dot said that there were 50 rape acts and 29 rape victims in Game of Thrones to date. The books the show is based on contained 215 rapes and 117 rape victims. The recent Twin Peaks revival revisits the story of a teen raped by her father for years and then brutally murdered by him. Supposedly she was “too strong” for the evils that wanted to consume her, escaping them through death—as if that were her only out. Themes of incest, sex with minors, and other women’s murders are woven into the Twin Peaks mythology, which also contains likable, entertaining characters and storylines. Despite its selling points, it always seems like someone’s sick sexual fantasies are lurking underneath.

Back in 1985, five years before Twin Peaks debuted, The Center for Media Literacy and UCLA’s Neil Malamuth discussed the rise of sexual violence. They found that sexual violence had negative effects on a significant number of people, potentially increasing the likelihood of attacks and warping children’s sexuality. Thirty-two years later, we still debate whether ingesting violence via the media has any effect on our real world behavior as we deal with a whole new level of crime and terrorism including school shootings. Domestic violence in all forms is thriving. Presentations of it on the screen just get deeper, darker, and more disturbed.

When a program or movie portrays a story of an abused or assaulted woman getting revenge or seeking justice, we seem to accept vivid portrayals of her victimization as just part of the story. True crime shows often include these portrayals. Some call this crime porn; we don’t intend to watch pornography, but the depiction of the crime in the show might as well be. We also laugh along with countless sitcoms and adult cartoons that show dysfunctional relationships in which men and women often nitpick, threaten, and insult each other. Arguably most of our country believes this negativity is to be expected in a relationship.

PreventConnect has an amazing list, Movies, documentaries, and video clips related to Violence Against Women, that includes fictional movies on the topic and many educational shorts designed to prevent it. A quick look at this collection shows how glaring the problem of violence directed at women, including domestic violence, still is. I challenge you to watch at least one of these shorts every day for a week without altering your regular viewing schedule. The gruesome reality of how saturated our programming is with harming women will begin to stand out—even to those of us who already believe we have an acute awareness of the issue.

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Originally written for a newsletter before the Weinstein scandal broke, but all the more relevant now.

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©2017 H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninjablog.com.

 

 

 

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Leave 2

“So why didn’t you just leave?” The question hit a nerve somewhere near my third thoracic vertebra and sizzled in my right cheek like an antagonized hornet.

That question. I hate that question. I’m tired of that question. But I try to use that question to give people a crash course in the dynamics of domestic violence because they might end up saving the life of a victim. Everybody knows somebody.

When you’re in an abusive relationship, chances are you can’t just leave. You’ve heard me say it many times– the risk of homicide goes up 75 percent when you leave an abusive relationship. Your abuser might not want you anymore, and has tried to make you feel like the most vile, undesirable piece of filth on the planet, but let me tell you something– they still want control over you. Some will do anything to keep it. Anything. (more…)

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Start by Believing

KOMO is reporting that the Auburn, Washington police officer who groped a handcuffed pregnant woman has pled guilty to fourth degree assault and resigned: http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Auburn-officer-pleads-guilty-to-assaulting-pregnant-woman-resigns-212847101.html.

My original article on this crime is here: https://wildninja.wordpress.com/2013/02/10/start-by-believing/. (more…)

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Start by Believing

Two days ago a story was posted on Seattle news station KOMO’s website that has ignited a firestorm of comments, http://www.komonews.com/news/local/Police-officer-accused-of-groping-handcuffed-pregnant-woman-190472651.html. A young woman leaving a bar claims that she was followed a short distance home by a police officer and sexually assaulted. Other news sources say that the officer claims he was off duty when it happened and thought she was “pretty” (as if that excuses the assault in any way). (more…)

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EVAWI

This information was featured in an email from End Violence Against Women International today, http://www.evawintl.org/. Here is the explanation from that email: (more…)

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No More Rape

http://www.evawintl.org/

End Violence Against Women International has done a great job making the public aware of the FBI’s change to the definition of forcible rape. This definition is used in the FBI’s Uniform Crime Reporting (UCR) Program which tracks particular kinds of crime statistics.

A recent update from EVAW says that the definition now reads:

Penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or anus with any body part or object, or oral penetration by a sex organ of another person, without the consent of the victim. (more…)

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Noel Coward once said that it is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit. This backward reaction is often true when men and women disclose sexual assault, especially in cases in which the circumstances of the assault do not meet the traditional definition of rape.

Our society has been conditioned to define rape narrowly, usually as a man forcing themselves upon a woman. But force is just one way of violating another human being, and both genders can be victims of rape. Fraud and coercion are two other major means of achieving power and control over another via sexual violation. (more…)

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