The Art of the Back Inverter

If you have decided to purchase a back inverter– congratulations! You are acquiring one of the greatest inventions in the history of our warmongering bipedal race. Back inverters rank right up there with the telephone, TV, and memory foam dog beds.

Before using your back inverter, you must be sure to properly locate the device and know how to use it without injury. To aid in the maximization of your back inverter experience, I offer the following pointers.

1. Adjust the back inverter to your height. Otherwise you may get stuck in a bat-like position for days before someone realizes you’re not in your cubicle. Proper balance depends on proper settings.

2. Before tilting backwards, be sure that the back inverter is placed at least two inches away from the shelving unit containing laundry supplies and the heavy blacklight flashlight you use to locate mystery pet odors.

3. Be aware that using the back inverter attracts pets and children. They will swarm around your head as if you smell of fresh chicken giblets and warm chocolate sauce. This is a good thing unless you try to right yourself without being conscious of where their heads and tails are.

4. You know that cordless vac you have sitting on the charger under the back inverter? Don’t hit your head on it.

5. Don’t wear slippers or shoes. Back inverters hold you in by the ankles, and you slide down in the ankle restraints when you tilt. Unless you’re an expert martial artist, it’s not cool to have to explain that you kicked yourself in the head when you go to work with a shoe print on your forehead.

6. If you start laughing really hard when you’re upside down, be prepared to stay there for awhile. Getting back up is harder than it looks. Things are funnier somehow.

7. Do not take pictures of yourself when you’re hanging upside down. You look hideous. I tried this, and when I downloaded the photo, I looked like a bloated, scarlet-tinged Jack Nicholson in a centrifuge. That’s pretty scary considering I’m a woman half his age.

8. You should know that pets who do their own stunt work will join you on your back inverter. My ninja kitty likes to jump on my stomach and balance while I’m relieving my spine. It’s actually fun, but you can give yourself whiplash the second you realize your midriff is about to be pounced on. It’s an instinctive cringe, like when you’re in fifth grade and you realize a seventh grader has targeted you in dodgeball.

9. Don’t waste your time trying to control appliances with remotes while your head is lower than your toes. You will aim at the ceiling, the table, the walls, and everything but what you’re trying to manipulate. You might be zapping your entire residence with unnecessary radiation.

10. Remember to undo your ankles before trying to walk away from the apparatus. Your ankles are in a vice grip; you need to release them or you will do a violent face plant into the furniture in front of you. Again, how do you explain that one without people questioning your mental faculties?

11. Your chiropractor might be calling you to ask where you’ve been. Or sending you a postcard to induce guilt.

12. If you decide to stretch your arms out to enhance your inversion experience, remind yourself of any significant shoulder or arm injuries before you do so. Your arm(s) may not return to its original position without a struggle and loud yelling. Do you really want your neighbors to call 911 and have the cute firefighters show up when you’re upside down and look like Jack Nicholson? No.

13. Do not use the back inverter around adults who think it’s hilarious to tickle you until you almost die of oxygen deprivation. You are not defenseless, but they have the upper hand until you whip the inverter to an upright position and knock them into the table. There should be a no touching rule when you’re using the back inverter.

14. The back inverter should not be used as a buffet table during parties. You may think that it’s level and secure, but the second someone leans on it, the casseroles and condiments will be catapulted into the next room.

15. Lastly, you are not Jean Reno in The Professional. In other words, do not consume a bunch of dairy products and then do a vicious series of power sit-ups while hanging from your ankles. Inverting with a full stomach is a very bad idea.

Happy back inverting! As the old Irish blessing says:

May your spine be straight
And your neck be merry
Like the charcoal-hued cows
Of County Kerry.

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©2011 H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com. All articles/posts on this blog are copyrighted original material that may not be reproduced in part or whole in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from H. Hiatt/wildninja.wordpress.com.